Monday Joke

[Gecko]

A group of 3 engineers and a group of 3 lawyers were all gathered at a rail station to go to a seminar.
The lawyers all watched as one engineer went up and bought one ticket.
They were puzzled as to how the engineers were going to get away with that,
and bought their three tickets.
As soon as they boarded the train, the engineers all crammed into the toilet.
When the inspector knocked on the toilet door, a ticket was produced and all was good.
After the seminar, they were all at the station to go home.
The lawyers were watching the engineers to see what they would do.
The engineers never even bought a ticket this time.
The lawyers bought one ticket.
When they got on the train, the lawyers bolted for the toilet.
An engineer went to their toilet door,
knocked, and said "Tickets Please!"

 

[Cactus Jack]

Subject: Fw: Irishman With a Brain...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost
had an affair with another woman."

The priest said , "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said , "Well , we got undressed and rubbed together , but then I stopped !".

The priest said , "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in . You're not to
see that woman again . For your penance , say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ".

The Irishman left the confessional , said his prayers , then walked over to the poor box . He paused for a moment and then started to leave .

The priest , who was watching , quickly ran over to him saying , "I saw that ! You didn't put any money in the poor box !"

The Irishman replied , "Yeah , but I rubbed the $50 on the box , and according to you , that's the same as putting it in ......"

 

[liljohn_92]

an aussie man walks past a shop and sees two guys in the shop moving stuff around and he asks whats the shop sell?

they reply were going to sell *********

the aussie replies your doing great theres only 2 left

hahaha

 

[Cactus Jack]

Shoulda bought a hat ...‏

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed,

'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[Cactus Jack]

Dad at the mall:

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, yellow , black and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Without batting an eyelid , Dad replied .....

'Got drunk once and f * cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

 

[unit_mx]

haha good one Cactus.

 

[Cactus Jack]

Fluctuations ....

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins Exchanging Her Money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change?
Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get one hunat eighty?'

The teller looked over his glasses and says very Slowly.... 'fluctuations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'Fluck chew Aussies Too'

 

[jarrah140]

Rodeo Ride

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, You tell your wife to get on the bed on
all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and
she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your
sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

 

[jarrah140]

Thinking Ahead

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye,
and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room.
There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well, son. We
Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been
given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The
friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You
just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."!!

 

[jarrah140]

Drunk!!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his
wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner
long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah
please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."!!!!

 

[Cactus Jack]

Tiffanys...

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind .

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, a salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'

 

[Cactus Jack]

Smart Girl.....

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall , exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

'CLEAN MY HOUSE.'

 

[Cactus Jack]

Headaches ....

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ...
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

 

[Cactus Jack]

The gay cowboy movie "Broke Back Mountain" has spoilt the fun for genuine hetero cowboys ....

 

[jarrah140]

castaway

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So they buried Debbie.

 

[wogtaz ryder]

haha seen were that one was going

What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?







Get Down!

 

[Cactus Jack]

Wife : 'What are you doing ?'

Husband : 'Nothing.'

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes OR no.'
-------------------------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be that's greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'That's because we aren't married yet.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'

Wife: 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: 'One kiss and I'll be yours forever !'

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

The husband looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I mostly like your sense of humour!'

 

[Cactus Jack]

Duties of Wives ...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

 

[wogtaz ryder]

haha yours are the best cactus

 

[unitrider08]

agreed cactus is the funniest