Monday Joke

[Cactus Jack]

LOL ........ GOLD ............

 

[Cactus Jack]

A mans wife gets out of the shower and stares dejectedly into a mirror .. " I wish I could find a way make my ****s bigger !" she says to her husband ......

"Try rubbing toilet paper between them several times a day and they'll eventually get bigger over time " he says to her .

She does what he says every day for 1 month then finally she says to him " I can't see any difference , where did you get the toilet paper idea from ?"

He stares at her blankly and says ........ " Well it worked for your ass didn't it ?"

 

[$heepy]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."


blonde logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

 

[$heepy]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

[Cactus Jack]

'wanna buy a tie ??????

A fleeing Taliban fighter , desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find an old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, " Do you have water ?"

The old Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie ? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need a tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

The old jewish man replied, " It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he staggered back to the old Jewish man, and with just enough energy he gasped .........


"Your f'cking ... brother won't let me in without a tie !"

 

[dirttau]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

 

[Cactus Jack]

Wrong place ...... wrong time .........

A drunken man stumbles into a watchmakers shop , mistaking it for the local brothel . He flops his old boy out onto the front counter , looks at the sales woman and points to it .........

The startled woman behind the counter says sternly " I'm sorry sir , this is a CLOCK shop , not a COCK shop !!!!!!! "

The drunken man thinks for a few seconds , then blurts out ....... "Well in that case ....... just put two hands and a face on it !"

 

[Cactus Jack]

Five tips to keep in mind when searching for a good woman ....

1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a woman loves you and spoils you.

5. It is EXTREMELY important that these four women don't know each
other.

 

[ducar.r.spec]

whats the difference between michael jackson,and a shopping bag??
1 is made of plastic and harmful to small children and the other u put ur groceries in

 

[Cactus Jack]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

[pitproxr]

what did one mouse say to the other? come around the corner and ill show you my hole

why did humpty dumpty push his girlfriend of the wall? to see her crack


theirs to gays in a tent having sex and a bush fire comes, whos the first to leave?
the one on the bottom coz hes already got his **** packed

your mums so fat shes just so fat!(lame)

 

[dirttau]

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******".

 

[Cactus Jack]

Where's the Victorian border ?

A teacher asks her students , " First off today , does anyone want to share with us all what they had for breakfast ?" ........

Nobody puts their hand up except for little Johnny ........

"OK Johnny ! What did you have for breakfast" she says .

Johnny blurts out angrily " F*ck all !!!!!! That's what I had for breakfast ! Sweet f'*ck all !"

" How dare you use that sort of language in this classroom !" she scolds at him " Now get to the back of the classroom and stand up facing the wall until you're ready to apologise to us all ".

Johnny's facing the wall when the teacher asks the other students " Does anyone know where the Victorian border is ? " .

Once again nobody answers . The teacher asks several times but still nobody puts their hand up . Then she notices that Johnny has his hand up .

She says to him "If you say you're sorry then accurately tell the class where the Victorian border is ..... you can return to your seat Johnny" .

"Alright miss , I'm sorry , but I don't want you to get angry with me again ".

"Well then ! You're forgiven !" she says , "Now tell the class where the Victoria border is !"

"He's at home in bed f*ckin' me mum while dad's at work !!! That's why I got f*ck all for breakfast !!! I wish he'd piss off back to where he came from !!!"

 

[dirttau]

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

 

[Cactus Jack]

Fireman Sex Routines

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets , BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?"

............. "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE ,YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

 

[dirttau]

A BUS FULL OF UGLY PEOPLE GETS HIT BY A TRUCK AND THEY ALL DIE. WHEN THEY GET TO HEAVEN THEY WANNA ASK GOD WHY HE MADE THEM LIKE THIS. HE FEELS BAD ABOUT IT AND SAYS THEY CAN HAVE 1 WISH EACH. SO OFFCOURSE THE FIRST PERSON WALKS UP AND SAYS MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL AND POP SHE TURNS BEAUTIFUL. THE NEXT 10 PEAOPLE ALL ASK THE SAME THING BUT THE BLOKE AT THE END OF THE LINE HAS BEEN GIGGLING SINCE THE FIRST PERSON GOT THEYRE WISH GRANTED. THE NEXT 10 PEOPLE WISH TO BE GOOD LOOKING AND BY NOW THE MAN IS HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER. SO THE LAST 9 PEOPLE COPY EVERYONE ELSE IN WISHING TO LOOK GOOD. SO GOD TURNS TO THE LAUGHING MAN WHEN IT'S HIS WISH TIME AND SAYS "WHAT DO YOU WISH FOR?" BY THIS TIME THE MAN IS ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING WHEN HE SAYS WHILST HALF LAUGHING "MY WISH IS... MAKE THEM ALL UGLY AGAIN!" hehehehe

 

[Cactus Jack]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

 

[duddles]

there was a boy named billy and he had a speech impederment. one day he decided to do some shopping so he went to the hardware store and asked for a fucket and the employee said dnt u meen bucket he said yer thats it then he went to the backery and asked for a bum the baker said dnt u mean bun billy said yer thats it and then he went to the petshop and asked for a cockaspankit and the guy said dnt u mean cokaspanial he said yer thats right so as he was walking the cokaspanial home holding his bucket and bun the dog ran away, billy ran to the first person he seen which happend to be an elderly lady and said can u plz hold my mum and fuckit while i go get my cockanspankit

 

[red_demon24]

3 guys decided to go on a skiing holiday when they got to the resort/motel it was dark so they thought they should order a room the receptionest said sorry but we have no rooms left apart from 1 but it only has 1 double bed so the guys decided they would take it and they could share the double bed anyway they got to the room and got into bed and fell asleep in the morning when they had woken up the guy on the left hand side of the bed said i had the best dream i dreamt i was out skiing the guy on the right side of the bed said the same thing but the guy in the middle said i dreamt i was getting the best ******* ever

 

[red_demon24]

a guy whent to a pub one night to pick up some chicks he met this one girl and in the end she asked him back to her house when they got there they where about to have sex and she said to the guy i hope you dont mind but my last boyfriend was greg normal the proffesional golfer he said thats ok with me so they had sex after they had sex the guy whent to go get out of bed and the girl said what are you doing the guy said going to make a coffee would you like one the girl said greg norman wouldnt have done that the guy replied what would greg norman have done she said he would of had sex with me again so they had sex another 4 times and after every time the guy whent to go make coffee and the girl said that greg norman wouldnt have done that in the end they had sex one more time and after sex the guy whent to get up and the girl said what are you doing and the guy repleid CALLING GREG NORMAN TO SEE WHAT PAR THIS HOLE IS...
lol