Official "jokes" thread.

[clunky64]

a brunette out shopping spies her boyfriend buying flowers
oh no she says too her blonde girl friend now hell expect something in return i"ll be on my back with my legs in the air for hours
why says the blonde, dont you own a vase

 

[revmx_89]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

 

[viper sx]

whats the differance between tiger woods and santa?

santa stoped at three hoes

hehehehehehehe

 

[MiniFighter]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and,
Trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
That she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands
if they, too, are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand
except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and
says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a
Bulldogs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs
fan,then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Roosters fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a
Roosters fan?"
Because my mum and dad are from Bondi, and my mum is a Roosters
Fan and my dad is a Roosters fan, so I'm a Roosters fan too!" "Well,"
said
The teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a
Roosters fan You don't have to be just like your parents all of the
time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and
your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

 

[revmx_89]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

[pbk]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'


The Aussie said 'One!'


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'


'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'



'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4


The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

 

[The_GDFP]

Ode to the Orifice

"Here's to the wound that never heals.
The more you rub it, the better it feels.
You can wash it, scrub it, scour like Hell.
But you never get rid of the Cod-fish smell..."

 

[revmx_89]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic
Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Aust. Economy by
Spending your stimulus check wisely:


If you spend the stimulus money at Coles, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.


If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala.

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or

2) Going to the footy , or

3) Spending it on prostitutes,or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in Australia )

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage-sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

[revmx_89]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'



'Nope..just when it's raining.'

 

[Shaneo]

^Hahahaha^

 

[revmx_89]

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..'


Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"


Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
Gave the wife a slap on her ass and said:

'Fishing or Sex?'

And she said:................. 'Wear sun-block.'



.....................................................................................



A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Not the same hat!"
"Flowers are under the table."
"All the cards are the ace of spades"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f****** ship?"

.......................................................................



The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

[westy465]

what do you call a three legged donkey....






wonkey.

















what did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?
















wheres my tractor?


wow, what a great audience.

 

[Shearer]

Two drunks visit a brothel. The madam takes a look at them & says to her manager, "Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are to drunk to notice."

During the walk home, one guy says, I think my girl was Dead. she never moved or made a sound!.

The 2nd guy says, I think mine was a Witch!!!
WHY do you think that askd his friend??
2nd guy says
Well i bit her arse , she farted in my face and the flew out the F^*#n window!!

lol.

 

[mickkcim]

A man & a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair & under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair & out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table & said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her & replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."

 

[mickkcim]

Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what is she doing out of the kitchen?

 

[mickkcim]

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

 

[mickkcim]

Mary says to Claire, "Shamus tells me that he's been fantasizing of 2 women at once."
"Sheesus!" said Claire, "What did you say?"
"Isn't it enough that one woman laughs at you in bed, why anger another."

 

[mickkcim]

What's the best way to tell if a man is sexually aroused?
Check whether he's breathing.

 

[mickkcim]

A university professor is in the habit of starting his lectures with rude sexist jokes. All the females in the class have had enough and decide that they are all going to walk out when the professor starts his next rude joke. But the professor discovers their plan and is one step ahead.
The following lecture the professor begins:
"Did you know that in China they are so short of *****s that they're importing them by the ship load?"
At that all the female students rise and begin walking out.
The Professor shouts, "There's no rush ladies, the boat only leaves tomorrow!"

 

[mickkcim]

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?