Official "jokes" thread.

[MiniFighter]

What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to
choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple...
'The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A}
Almost ****s...
{B}
Barely there.
{C}
Can't Complain!
{D}
Dang!
{DD}
Double dang!
{E}
Enormous!
{F}
Fake
{G}
Get a Reduction.
{H}
Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!

 

[MiniFighter]

Irish Joke

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip
upstairs and get me slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are
Paddy's two stunning 22 year old twin daughters sitting on their
beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Dad' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off you liar said the twins!
'I'll prove it,' Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs,
'Both of dem,Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

 

[revmx_89]

Got my son an *iPhone* for his birthday the other week.

Got my daughter an *iPod* for hers.

I was chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an *iPad* for Father's day.

I got my wife an *iRon* for her birthday. It was around then the fight started!!!

 

[revmx_89]

Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By September 6 , 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a David Jones Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Football
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued

 

[TyD]

Got my son an *iPhone* for his birthday the other week.

Got my daughter an *iPod* for hers.

I was chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an *iPad* for Father's day.

I got my wife an *iRon* for her birthday. It was around then the fight started!!!

Hahaha gold...




Bring back short jokes! these ones either take too long to read or cbf reading them at all..

 

[revmx_89]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"


He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.


Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."


George said, "Okay."


He hung up the phone and counted to 30.


Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

 

[MiniFighter]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.


Things that are dead easy to say when your drunk:

I love you!

 

[MiniFighter]

this joke suits this forum down to a tee

How many Internet Forum Posters (pick a forum... any forum...) does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

40 posters who don't believe in light bulbs at all and instead post links to pseudo-scientific sites that claim alternate theories of light production.

12 to point out that there is no right to light in the US Constitution.

4 to post that all the tech support for changing light bulbs is being
outsourced to India.

1 post showing a picture of a light bulb and a picture of someone who
resembles a light bulb.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

1 poster that has converted all his light bulbs to florescents, so he very rarely has to change them.

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

13 to tell you candles should be in all well-prepared households in the event of a lightbulb burnout.

5 postings that say they do not use light bulbs...only candles.

1 to mention the "lite" bulb is made of low-fat cheese.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[coolmodee01]

down light s are way to expencive

fluro lights hurt my eye's

someone tell me where to buy em cheap

and skylar if you could correct my gramma that would be great

 

[mattbombers]

down light s are way to expencive

fluro lights hurt my eye's

someone tell me where to buy em cheap

and skylar if you could correct my gramma that would be great

you should do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs

hehe

 

[Carlts]

^^^ lightbulbs

 

[roost666]

you should do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs

hehe

its called a LAMP :lol_hitting:

 

[Skylar]

GOD AND LAWN CARE

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD : The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it...... sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD : Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a story about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

[MiniFighter]

Wife just emailed me this

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.



My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.



A couple are lying in bed and the man says, "I am going to make you he happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.



He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.



He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?' She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.



He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat *******'.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.



Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.


Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.


Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chases cars they have no intention of driving.

 

[klx140kid]

I don't know if this one has been done?

Your mum is so fat that when god said let there be light he asked you mum to move.

 

[revmx_89]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced,
his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos
quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up and all the other bells started to ring.

 

[MiniFighter]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better, I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that doc?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[FMX_22]

two guys r arguing in a bar
Guy one : i ****ed your mum
Guy two : go home dad your drunk

 

[sean125]

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a hooker have in common?

They both swallow seamen

 

[MiniFighter]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
Gorilla was on heat..
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big
Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species. So theZoo administrators thought they might
have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be
willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over
carefully. The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their
offer, but
only under three conditions:

Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500