Official "jokes" thread.

[revmx_89]

Making a bet at a bar

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again

 

[bradisfun]

yea i seen that one before too /\/\
wass funny the first time...

 

[klx140kid]

I made this joke up it is really corny ok here it goes.


Why did the cow cross the road???




To get some milk. lol

 

[turbotobes]

I made this joke up it is really corny ok here it goes.


Why did the cow cross the road???




To get some milk. lol

haha WTF sounds like something my dad would say
but my dad can come up with some good ones

A mate couldn't work the deadlock on my front door...

mate: Steve whats wrong with your door?
dad: it it must be the knob on the end of it. haha

 

[----M@TT----]

A blonde walks into a bar......... Ouch.

 

[klx140kid]

Ok this is anther corny joke! lol


A man in a blue suit walks into a bar sits down and gets a drink. Then the owner of the bar grabs his waiter and said "see the guy over there in the blue suit" the owner said "yes" said the waiter "find out his name and i'll give you a trip to brisbane" so the waiter goes over to him and said "sir what is your name" the man said "whats it to ya" "well I need to know to win a trip" "I said you whats it to ya" said the man then he walked out.

As he walk out and down the street the waiter chased after him screaming "WAIT WAIT" but the man went to the police. As he walked into the police station he said " a man is chasing me and wants to know my name" then the waiter burst threw the police doors saying "whats your name" "for the last time "WHATS IT TO YA" said the man then the waiter pulled the mans pockets and and saw the mans ID and the name was WHATS IT TO YA.

Hope you enjoyed my long corny joke and sorry for bad spelling. lol

 

[TyD]

Ok this is anther corny joke! lol


A man in a blue suit walks into a bar sits down and gets a drink. Then the owner of the bar grabs his waiter and said "see the guy over there in the blue suit" the owner said "yes" said the waiter "find out his name and i'll give you a trip to brisbane" so the waiter goes over to him and said "sir what is your name" the man said "whats it to ya" "well I need to know to win a trip" "I said you whats it to ya" said the man then he walked out.

As he walk out and down the street the waiter chased after him screaming "WAIT WAIT" but the man went to the police. As he walked into the police station he said " a man is chasing me and wants to know my name" then the waiter burst threw the police doors saying "whats your name" "for the last time "WHATS IT TO YA" said the man then the waiter pulled the mans pockets and and saw the mans ID and the name was WHATS IT TO YA.

Hope you enjoyed my long corny joke and sorry for bad spelling. lol

You stole that joke from Sponge Bob lol..

 

[klx140kid]

Yeah I did lol my mistake!

And wait back up here do you watch sponge bob. lol

 

[dadof2]

this joke is a little long winded and you may have to think about it

A captain from a returned coalition force wins the lottery and decides to give some money to the 3 surviving members of his squad
He approaches the first an american and says ok I’m going to measure a point on your body from its beginning to end and whatever it adds to i will give you in cash
So the american says you can measure from my hip to my knee
The captain does this adds it up and gives the American his money

Next the captain asks the newzealander and his response is from his elbow to his wrist
The captain measures then adds it up and gives the newzealander his money

Then he turns to the last guy an aussie and asks the same question

The aussie responds with from the base of my cock to where my left nut is
Now the captain is a little concerned and says mate that’s not that much are you sure
The aussie responds bloody oath go ahead
So the captain place his tape measure on the base of the aussie guys cock and starts to measure then stops and says
Bluey mate where the hell is your left nut
His response was
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

On a fricken barb wire fence back in Iraq now get measuring

 

[JuzzzzzY]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Tyranna sore-ass Rex

 

[revmx_89]

hope you like this one
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

 

[bradisfun]

hahaha good one

 

[wogtaz ryder]

Does this rag smell like chloroform .

Should be in the pickup line thread .

 

[Skylar]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do....
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[Skylar]

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, "You're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way".

This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, "You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

 

[revmx_89]

the day the penis asked for a pay rise:
i hereby request a raise in salary because i do physical labour at great depths, i dont get weekends or public holidays off, i work in a wet environmentthat has poor ventilation, i work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely P.Niss

reponse: after considering your request and the argument raised we rejuect it for the following resons: you are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods, you need to be stimulated into starting work, you leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you dont observe safety rules such as protective clothing, you cant work double shifts and you often dribble.

yours sincerely V.Gina...

 

[MiniFighter]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

 

[revmx_89]

The Man Rules
> At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
>
Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

 

[MiniFighter]

Teaching Maths

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw the m off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

Your assignment: Discuss how many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work and he should give up, and sign on to the dole?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a truck load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licensing fee on his old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers and to send parliamentarians on a fact finding mission overseas.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح ل

 

[atomik boy]

hmm so your saying pakies or towel heads are gonna take over the world in 2017?