Official "jokes" thread.

[liljohn_92]

the teacher wrote the letter f on the board and asked jonny wat letter is that and he siad k thinking it could be bad writing she rubbed it out and wrote f again and she asked him and he said k so she asks jonny howcome everytime i write f u c k

 

[Brad.R]

Lucy lived with her grandmother but at night would sneak out to the brothel to do some work. One night a man had visited the the brothel but whilst leaving had shot a man and done a runner. when the cops arrived they made all the prostitutes line up so the police could one by one ask them about the man. But just as Lucy lined up her grandmother walks past and asks what she is doing so Lucy quickly responds "oh the police are giving out oranges." as soon as Lucy's grandmother finds out about the oranges she quickly joins the line of prostitutes. when a police man get around to Lucy's grandmother he says "gee how old are you?" she says "i'm 81" the police man reply's "oh how do you do it?" she says "oh it's easy really I just pull the skin back and suck em dry"

 

[Slide]

Lucy lived with her grandmother but at night would sneak out to the brothel to do some work. One night a man had visited the the brothel but whilst leaving had shot a man and done a runner. when the cops arrived they made all the prostitutes line up so the police could one by one ask them about the man. But just as Lucy lined up her grandmother walks past and asks what she is doing so Lucy quickly responds "oh the police are giving out oranges." as soon as Lucy's grandmother finds out about the oranges she quickly joins the line of prostitutes. when a police man get around to Lucy's grandmother he says "gee how old are you?" she says "i'm 81" the police man reply's "oh how do you do it?" she says "oh it's easy really I just pull the skin back and suck em dry"

hahahaha!!!!!!!!!

 

[cass38a]

Barry was walking out of the newsagent when an attractive young lady stopped him and said "Hi Barry I havent seen you for a while" barry looked at her but couldnt plave her and replied with a nervous hello. The lady could tell he didn't remember her and said "dont you remember me? You are the father of one of my children". Barry thought back to before he was married and quickly went thru his ex girlfriends, he knew that none of them were pregnant and replied "are you that stripper from Danno's bucks night that hog tied me, whipped me, poured candle wax all over my balls, shoved that Dildo up my a$&^e and then let me have my way with you in front of all the guys?" at this the young woman gave him a horrified look and replied "No, I am your daughters teacher"

 

[Slide]

haha!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[$heepy]

Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a
redneck divorce all have in common?

A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...

 

[$heepy]

Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already seen him.
"Billy," said his dad, "doing that will make you go blind"
"Dad," he replied, "I'm over here!"

 

[$heepy]

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her
place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect
opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy
walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of
them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and
window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over
the bed.
Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"
She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."



After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

 

[$heepy]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage
counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She
responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that
suffers, not me."




What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampoon is for?

For flossing after eating.




Q: Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?

A: None of them have closets to come out of.

 

[$heepy]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls
make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit
card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good
girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could
do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a
strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a
strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear
high heels to bed. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

 

[$heepy]

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins



As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and
frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains
everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experience

 

[$heepy]

ok then i reckon one more and thats it. lol



Q. Why is the section of body between a womans breasts and
her croutch called a waste??

A. You could fit another pair of breasts there

 

[Slide]

a man finds a penguin and takes it to a cop and says Were should i take the penguin and the cop says Take it to the ZOO!
The next day the man is walking with the penguin and the same cops see's him and says Oi i told you to take the penguin to the zoo! the man says yeh i did today im taking him to the movies.

 

[t.luisetto]

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[unit_mx]

what do girls and planes have in common?

They both have cockpits

inapropriate but adaquate

 

[I_THUMP]

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

Sorry, it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

 

[I_THUMP]

This is one guy that really knows his Maths

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...

 

[headsmess]

a rabbi a priest and a bishop are arguing about all their donations and what to keep and what to giv to the poor...

bishop says, 'hey, lets draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air, and whatever falls into the circle, we keep'.

priest says, ' i like the idea of the circle, but lets keep whatever doesnt fall into the circle'

rabbi says "no, lets throw all the money in the air, and what god wants, he'll keep"




This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.


"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

"NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"








An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

 

[headsmess]

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no toilet paper... You have to wipe your arse with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his arse with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.




I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"




Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

 

[DvDRip]

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

lol classic!! =D