Official "jokes" thread.

[steerzy2479]

A normal human 70% of their body is water ... with chuck norris 70% of his body is his d#@k

Chuck norris can kick start a car

Chuck norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

whats the differance between tiger woods and santa claus ..... santa stops at 3 hoes

 

[TyD]

last one was funny, rest were poor, you should stop now, you will never be the man your mother is.. hehe

 

[roost666]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climb s into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God .. We took first and second place

 

[roost666]

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. SEE YA MONDAY!"

 

[roost666]

Multitasking
Every man will love this and.. ..only a few brave women will actually pass it on!

If women are so perfect at multitasking how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?!!!!

 

[roost666]

.....You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause
of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have
some theories on the matter.....?

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible
sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts
a cow only once a year?"
Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of
information. .. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad
Cow disease?"
Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting
to the point?"
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing
with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't
you get mad?"

 

[roost666]

A mother and her young son were flying Jetsar from Brisbane to Sydney. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked:



"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said: "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said: "Yes, she did."


"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Jetstar always pulls out on time.



Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[roost666]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.



She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, now Bugger off!'

 

[roost666]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.



She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, now Bugger off!'

 

[synergy17]

Was in Centrelink at Norlunga (adelaide) the other day and while I was waiting to get served I noticed a girl about 7 yo at the kids play table with a Barbie & Ken doll and she had them going at it Doggy Style,. An old man standing on the other side suggested to her that she shouldn't be doing that as thats how babies are made. The little girl looked at him and says. "It's OK mister He's doing her in the ass.

 

[TyD]

are you serious? did that happen?? was a funny joke though! ahahaha

 

[sean01]

bahahahhahaha. sad but fark yeah lolz

 

[synergy17]

Q: What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.




- Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

- Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for ****'s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
( no offence to MR tasmanian members, its a joke )

- I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and ****s off.

 

[sean01]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...


'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?


'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'


'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'


'OK, and who's next?'


'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'


Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

 

[byh0005]

whats the same between a women and kfc
once your done with the breast and thighs all you have is a greasy box to put your bone in

which one is the odd one out a women freezer fridge and microwave
microwave the rest leak when there f@#$^&d

how do you make five pounds of fat look good
give it a nipple

sorry if i affended anyone the only joke so dont get upset

 

[mattbombers]

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some*just don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

 

[byh0005]

commenting on your own jokes sad
why did the blonde fail her driving test?
never been in the front seat before

 

[mattbombers]

wtf you on about?
who comented on there own?

 

[byh0005]

deleted them i see

 

[thump*140]

deleted double posts...
noob..