Official "jokes" thread.

[MiniFighter]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[roost666]

When a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside the mounted cop.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!

 

[MiniFighter]

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

 

[MiniFighter]

The Umbrella Girl Rebellion

 

[MiniFighter]

A lady goes on holiday alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"

 

[turbotobes]

another mama joke,

yo mama is like a well cooked steak PINK AND JUICY IN THE MIDDLE. lmao

 

[Skylar]

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

All the DNA is the same and there's no dental records.

 

[mattbombers]

heres a funny one, its possible to beat Skylar at face book scrabble...

 

[I_THUMP]

heres a funny one, its possible to beat Skylar at face book scrabble...

It is and I have

 

[topguntravis]

Got this in an email, This is someones Resume lol



Resimay



To hoom it mae cunsern

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bryan

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday

 

[racer182]

When Chuck Norris breaks wind, its stays broken.

Chuck Norris can travel through time by running 88 miles per hour.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik's cube & poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris exists only because he kicked a man so hard that he flew
back in time and fell inlove with his mother.

When Chuck Norris's shit hits the fan, the fan breaks.

When Chuck Norries eats airplane food, it tastes good.

When Chuck Norries cuts in line, the line bleeds.

 

[Skylar]

heres a funny one, its possible to beat Skylar at face book scrabble...

It is and I have

I think I forfeited myself because you were taking forever to play and your crap words were making my eyes bleed. :damnmate:

 

[I_THUMP]

I think I forfeited myself because you were taking forever to play and your crap words were making my eyes bleed. :damnmate:

Excuses, excuses but no matter how you look at it I still won and a win is a win :aetsch:

 

[racer182]

As a child Chuck norries played Hungry Hungry Hippos with reals hippos.

Chuck Norries can kick a fart back into an ass.

Chuck Norries once orderd a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks under the
bed for Chuck Norris.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris had sex with your mum, and your dad gave a high-five.

At Chuck Norris's Bucks party he ate the entire cake before his mates
could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris just pissed your pants.

 

[revmx_89]

i herd this one today
A married Lady and here kids where having a look around the local pet store and noticed a sign saying

3 rare Parrots for sale,

Prices

$1,200
$1,700
$15.00

The Lady asked the shopkeeper why is the thrid Parrot so cheap,
the Shopkeeper replys the cheap parrot lived in a brothel and sometimes saids things he shouldnt.
The lady chuckels to her self and buys the Parrot,
the lady returns home and sets the parrot up in the living room, the parrot says " Gee a New whore house!"
The lady Chuckels to her self and thinks this birds a classic, the ladys Youngest daughter walks in the room and the Parrot said " Looks like Fresh Meat" the Lady cant help But laugh,
the Ladys husband gets home from work and walks in the living room with all the family standing around waiting to see what he thinks of the new family pet, and the Parrot says "Hey kevin i havent seen you for weeks!"

 

[bradisfun]

haha nicce one, made me smile

 

[Nuts 4 50s]

i herd this one today
A married Lady and here kids where having a look around the local pet store and noticed a sign saying

3 rare Parrots for sale,

Prices

$1,200
$1,700
$15.00

The Lady asked the shopkeeper why is the thrid Parrot so cheap,
the Shopkeeper replys the cheap parrot lived in a brothel and sometimes saids things he shouldnt.
The lady chuckels to her self and buys the Parrot,
the lady returns home and sets the parrot up in the living room, the parrot says " Gee a New whore house!"
The lady Chuckels to her self and thinks this birds a classic, the ladys Youngest daughter walks in the room and the Parrot said " Looks like Fresh Meat" the Lady cant help But laugh,
the Ladys husband gets home from work and walks in the living room with all the family standing around waiting to see what he thinks of the new family pet, and the Parrot says "Hey kevin i havent seen you for weeks!"

Haha thats gold, keep em comin

 

[09crf_149]

why did a blonde have bruises on her belly button ? apparently blonde guys are pretty dumb too .lol

 

[bradisfun]

hahahahaha, im gonna juse that one /\/\

 

[revmx_89]

found this one today
Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.